Real Talk

I have a problem with control. I have to constantly have a handle on any situation or my mind starts screaming at me. I have to have an escape plan for every social gathering so my mind can know where to go. Is this normal? I do not think so. I have to put my control in God’s hands, but it is something I want to hold onto so tightly. I also find that the more I hold onto said control, the more the pressure on my chest builds. This morning in church, the pastor said the word, “anxiety”, and my heart was in my throat. It was a mental reaction that felt physical. I am writing to you all today to counteract my last post and show you the reality of my days even when I start them in the right mindset. Like every morning, I woke up, made my coffee, and did my quiet time. I went to church and came home. This is when it got dicey because I was with people. I do not know when I crossed the line to introvert, but it happened over the summer for sure. I love the presence of my friends more than anything, so why did I find my mind wandering and wanting to be alone in my room doing anything else than sitting there? For the past two weeks, before my roommates moved in, I have been living in silence. I think I made a habit of silence, especially in the morning. It is not realistic. We are on this earth with an estimated 8.142 billion people and here I am wishing to be alone. We are relational creatures, not made to isolate. My mind screams at me to lock in my barriers and retreat into that world however. This post is something I would usually write in my diary, but since I am talking about anxiety here, I might as well get into the real, unable to put a control over, situation that happens frequently. All the jibber jabber about routines and practices are great and very helpful, but I am also here to explain that they work to an extent of what your mind is willing to give. We were not made to handle everything on our own. I felt the Lord telling me to let go of control and lean on Him. If you are not religious, I encourage you to read some sort of Christ-centered book about control from a worldly perspective and see how you feel. You are not alone in that head of yours. The Lord is there for you to lean on. 

With love, ECP

Social Media is Fake

I do Vogue Beauty Secrets videos in my bathroom mirror. I know I am not alone in this which is why I feel confident sharing this with you. I pretend, I talk to myself, and I show my routines in their utmost glamour to all the fans in my mirror watching. Our world is so fake. 

The other day a friend was talking to me about how different the Love Islanders looked once they got out of the villa. I think it is obvious. On the show, they could not control their good side of how they were sitting in every angle of every shot because they did not know what would be put into the show. Their lack of control led to an image different from their social media presence. Is that not true of every person on social media? Not that everyone posts face tunes pictures and edited bodies in all their posts, but they are posting the pictures they thought were the best out of the probably hundred other options. If you're not a girl, this will not make sense, but we all know how many pictures are taken when girls take photos. One shot could be taken fifty times and a smile that looks the same to someone else might look completely different to you. You ultimately decide which picture you think presents your best attributes and click post with a cute caption like “Me and my girls!” or “Weekend with the fam”. But what is behind that image? 

I know personally, my last post was beautiful pictures of my summer in California with my family. Looking at those pictures, you would think I was living my best life in all that beautiful scenery. Well let me hit you with reality. I was lonely. I was not on good terms with my dad which made the whole family dynamic awkward, and being on family vacation, miserable. Everything was piling up on my head and my good friend anxiety was wishing me good morning every time I awoke. 

Social. Media. Is. Fake.

This is not some new phenomenon or a crazy discovery, trust me I know. But, it is important. We are the first generation to have had access to the internet our entire lives. Kids get access to technology at earlier ages by the year and who knows how it will be when we have kids one day. I just want to implant the knowledge that the only thing you can trust about image is what you believe about yourself on the inside. If you cannot face yourself in the mirror, you should not be looking at other people instead. 

I have recently been trying to stay off social media. However, in the past three days, I slipped. My tik tok screen time has gone up and my happiness has gone down. It is funny how we submit ourselves to things we know are bad for us, but the dopamine hit or the numb feeling we get is too strong to pass up. I could go on a rant about addiction now but I will save that for another time. Main message, do not believe anything you can see scrolling on a feed.

With love, ECP